Dance Class

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴:
“Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men” ★
01:22 ━━━━●───── 04:26
ㅤ ㅤ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷ ㅤㅤ↻ ♡

The video prompt on my Hinge account features my eleventh grade Spanish teacher warning the world that I’d become a dictator once I’m president. 

–

If I was president I’d have a whole day dedicated to me. If citizens choose to not honor it, I’d force them to watch the eighty hour long documentary that was made on my life or better, I’d send them to the gulags. I wouldn’t be a dictator though, that’s a man’s job.

–

When I was younger my favorite cousin, Piggy, did dance; she still does dance, but now Taylor isn’t my favorite cousin. On my very first instagram account I had her recital picture as my profile photo, I guess I’ve always liked playing make-believe. My dad signed me up for dance when I asked. My mom bought me a pink tutu and matching ballerina slippers, and I had the biggest smile on my face as I imagined sharing the spotlight with my cousin. When we got there the instructor told me my dad didn’t pay and turned us around.

–

I don’t smile with my teeth anymore.

–

My mom often jokes that I should have been a boy, in fact when I was younger my dad used to dress me as a boy. He also had no problem paying when it came to signing me up for basketball and soccer… maybe I should double check what’s in between my legs.

–

When I was younger I used to carry around a mattress bag full of dvds–most of them being Disney princess movies. I had about seven different versions of Cinderella, you know the girl with the evil stepsisters and stepmom. My stepmother is a very lovely woman. My dad’s older sister is not. 

–

My therapist told me today that most people project their insecurities onto others whenever they are being critical. Maybe my dad’s sister was insecure about her intelligence, since she assumed that a child wouldn’t understand when they were somewhere they weren’t welcomed. I always dreaded when I had to go over to her house, I still do. She’d always ask about how my mom was doing, which is odd now since I know that when my parents were going through the custody battle, she was sitting in hair saloons talking shit about her. 

One time before we went to the waterpark I was eating a bag of donut holes that she bought for me. She then turned around and asked if I should be eating those. I didn’t know a seven year old could become so self-conscious of her body.

–

When I was in the sixth grade I had a huge crush on a kid named Jordan. He’s not all that important now, but I’ll probably still tell you about him later. I didn’t start wearing my natural hair down until the seventh grade. I was walking from the gym to my math class when Jordan saw me and told me he loved my hair. I didn’t respond because we had recently had an argument but it definitely made me smile on the inside. After math I had English. I was reading I Am Malala when my friend Heaveny looked over at me and said I looked like a boy with hair down.

–

As you can guess… I don’t wear my natural curls anymore.

That summer before seventh grade my little brother turned three. That year he got a blow-up waterslide, five pairs of Jordans, and customized Spider-Man sheet cake from Sam’s Club. I cried as he opened his gifts, my aunt said I was trying to make everything about me. I had turned twelve that same year and the only thing I got was Panda Express.

–

My mom’s fortieth birthday was yesterday, we all went out to eat at the country club. I already felt like a monster since my little brother made a comment about my makeup right after I finished it which resulted in me crying in the bathroom and wiping it all off. My mom got a gorgeous heart-shaped cake with pearls on it. I haven’t had a birthday cake since I turned 10–that was the year before the custody battle. As they sang her happy birthday I could only think of how I will never have that many people to celebrate my life.

–

I’m not vain because I love myself. I’m vain because no one else ever did.