The Paper Trails of a Parasite

    [Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin]      

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The best gift I got when I turned 18 was the ability to legally date older men. The worst gift I got when I turned 18 was access to dating apps. Now I don’t think dating apps are inherently evil, unfortunately I can’t say the same about the men on them. Okay. I won’t generalize all men. My disdain for dating apps stems from one person specifically… Ryan.

The average person would lose feelings for someone after they ghosted them. As we already discussed, I’m not your average person; Ryan ghosted me a total of three times before I finally decided that I respected myself enough to move on from him. Well, that’s not exactly what happened. You see, Ryan and I met on Hinge just around the time I was starting to get over Michael. Wait, that’s another lie. I actually never got over Michael, but that’s a story for another time.

I think it’s important for me to note that my relationships usually fall into one of two categories:

1. Idealization – This is where I create a fantasy version of the person in my head, usually driven by their inconsistency, and fall in love with it. Typically this ends with me blaming myself for their lack of effort and spiraling into I’m unable to function.
2. Validation – This is where I like the idea of having someone. I like that they like me, but I don’t like them. I use them to boost my self esteem while subconsciously doing everything in my power to make them hate me since deep down I know that using them is wrong.

Ryan fell into that first category as you can probably guess. After asking for my number he took a month to finally text me. I told myself he was busy, he’s an engineer after all. We talked for about three days before he disappeared for another month. I sat and reread our messages over and over. Wondering what I said that made him go away. And it was around this time I stopped showing up to my classes–I didn’t care about my grades if the love of my life hated me.

There Madisyn goes using that L-word again. How could I love someone who didn’t even give me the time of day? It’s actually pretty simple. You see, in my head, Ryan wasn’t messaging me because he was dead. Yep. It was easier for me to imagine that he died then that he simply wasn’t all that interested in me. Not because I’m so vain that I think no one could ever dislike me, but because the thought of rejection usually ends with vertical slits down my wrist.

When he came back he told me he had his appendix removed… I didn’t know recovery took thirty days. I didn’t question it. He asked me on a date shortly after; not only did he ask me on a date, but he planned it, then proceeded to ghost me again the night before. Funny enough I went out with a friend that night and told her I had a feeling I was going to get stood up. Despite that feeling, I stayed up until four o’clock in the morning crocheting him a plushie of Ozzy Osbourne since he told me he loved Black Sabbath–I’m more of a Dio fan. The next Monday I dropped all of my classes.

I made the mistake of telling him I didn’t hold grudges after he ghosted me that third time, which was another lie. I do hold grudges, but only against myself. In my eyes Ryan could do no wrong. He came back again… after a month. This time he said he bailed on our date because he had family issues; I didn’t believe him. Nonetheless, I forgave him–well, forgave myself for driving him away. We texted all day Friday then he disappeared on Saturday. I lost it. I spent the rest of my weekend crying and slamming my head against the bed frame. I overanalyzed our text, trying to map out what I said that made him leave me again. 

I was addicted to his inconsistency. His attention was worse than any drug.