The Paper Trails of a Parasite

    [using you - Mars Argo]      

1:03 ──⚬──── 3:45
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I first saw Josh on the first day of sophomore year of high school. I first noticed Josh on the third day, when he looked at me. That sounds self-absorbed, I know, but the gaze of others is the only thing that keeps me afloat most days. I’d see him looking at me during class. I liked that. Not him, but his look. His eyes… but only when they’re on me. So I pretended. I told my friend Ren that I had a crush on him, and honestly I thought I did at that point; I wasn’t as self aware as I am now. Ren dated him in middle school–I think it’s important to mention that I brought up Ren in another file but left her nameless, I’ll let you figure it out–of course she did. She gets everyone I want. 

She turned out to be useful though, she got me his Instagram. I followed, he followed back. I flirted just as you would expect two fifteen year olds to do: at night past the time that we should be asleep, but never in person. Eventually he started to sit with me in class and even join my friends and I at football games. We fell asleep on the phone at night and picked up the conversation in the morning. Everything was perfect… until of course it wasn’t.

I don’t know what it is with me. I don’t like consistency, it scares me. It’s too real; they can leave at any time and I have no control of it. I realized that on October 27, 2022. Josh and I spoke on the phone all night. When I woke up, the curtains had closed and I couldn’t pretend anymore. I ignored his calls for the remainder of the weekend, acting like I didn’t receive his text. He hadn’t done anything wrong and that was his problem. Why did he like me? Does he not respect himself? I just couldn’t understand why any man would want to keep me around. When school came around I lied and told him my dad took my phone, I don’t even live with my dad. I avoided him in the halls and sat away from  him in class. I made sure he saw me with other guys but for some reason he still wouldn’t just go away.

I did what I always did and came up with some bogus story. I told him the reason I’d been so distant was because his friend messaged me on Instagram and said that he was only talking to me as a joke and that he hates girls with dark skin. I was actually friends with his friends… they never said such things. Even after that he wouldn’t leave me be. I’d text him every now and then when I needed a self esteem boost, I enjoy that game of cat-mouse. He chased after me for about another month and a half. He stopped once I posted a picture of my waist accompanied by a pale hand around it.

He started talking to someone else after, I didn’t like that.